To begin with, possibly, what might have killed me this year is clinging to the many things, including love, that couldn't pay off. By this, I mean that in your gut, you know something is truly wrong. You can see it, hear it from the many people that such an individual is going to be toxic to you, and they even provide supporting evidence to watch out.

However, the blindness of Love keeps you positive that maybe they are lying. Maybe it is just envy. That possibly they want you for themselves, but clearly the signs have been manifesting slowly. You would see the red flags, but consider it a one-off since no one is perfect amongst all of us. We are all sinners after all.

Why do I choose to write this? I have interacted with many young people (those of my age) this year. The common denominator in their suffering, or what has been killing them slowly, is the love unreturned, the love lost, and the broken promises. The young men are broken, hurt. I wonder which stupid person will call them effeminate for trying to seek help and be saved.

Some excerpts from my interactions with some young people in my contact list:

One young person told me, I feel extremely cheated. I have loved her genuinely, but the silence and the constant breaks kept me in a dilemma. I thought maybe she needed space, which I provided, but deep in my breast I knew I had lost her.

I kept on checking on this brother of mine; he looked tired, angry and morose. He was a happy man, one of those happy souls that would illuminate a room with his presence. A charm, I would conclude. When I met him, I wanted to help him, although I was dealing with personal issues; his was his very first. I wanted to hold his hand and pull him out of the darkness, but alas, he sank deeper and deeper. He no longer picks up my calls. I worry something wrong could happen to him. I only wait for him to choose to talk, and we resume sharing. I, however, told him, never destroy your potential for a girl/woman. Good things are in front. Keep moving forward, and be patient with yourself.

Here was another: recently, he was sharing his escapades with a woman who only interacted with him when he was home. She was always radio-silent in all conversations. To you, dear readers, please note that this man was paying rent for the house in which she was sleeping. That one, I was honest with him; I told him to chase the girl out of his house. She was looking for shelter to sleep in, and I am glad he listened. Although he is also in a pit of darkness. Whenever I randomly check on him, he looks worse.

All the above cases are similar to one thing and lead to another thing as well. Love Vs Heartbreak. To understand how certain things, although small to some, lead to death. Some dogs die of heartbreak when their owners die.

In other words, to understand what kills people, ask them about their love life. For the first time, earlier this year, I almost thought finally I could settle down. I was silently planning with friends that possibly I could be ready to leave my comfort zone and choose to take care of someone's daughter.

However, my father often told me that choosing a wife is the hardest thing, for you will be with this person for as many years as you will live. Also, he told me that to have a good wife, you must learn to pray for her even before you have her. My father told me these words in 2020 whilst I was dealing with the worst devastation of my life. He added, "My son, love is painful", and I could feel it within my very gut that something sore was burning within me. I lost tremendous weight. I am naturally a thin person, and I average 54 kg; now imagine losing weight. The circumstances of that devastation will bring me up to speed on what I am about to tell you, dear reader.

As I write this, please, don't pity me, because I thought this was worth sharing on a day like this, where I reflect on life since it is my birthday, and the only day I don't understand why we even celebrate. The gravity of these sentiments is to draw you, dear reader, to understand that if you have a male friend out there, ask them how they are feeling. Please, talk with them. There is so much going on, and these young people have nowhere to go and no one to talk with. People will call them effeminate, but we are killing, not building. Suicide is real, and mostly successful amongst men.

Anyways, guys, what kills people, many times, is the silent pain they never talk about. That pain, itchy, that makes them feel embarrassed at all levels. I have learned greatly over time that a problem shared is a problem half solved.

I managed to write deeply about this conundrum with a friend, a very consistent friend in my life. We shared over 20 letters, only trying to diagnose my kind of problem and whether I needed help or a break.

I equally shared the same crisis with a friend; this one I have known to be the very best spiritual person to whom I could confide, about the spiritual past of this girl. However, she often told me, Zziwa, my dear, I will be honest with you: leave the girl alone. So much darkness around her. She used a yin-yang theory. She said yin is black, and women are black, whilst yang is white or light, and men are white. To balance the equation better. All this should be 50/50. If any goes beyond that, it becomes alarming. She concluded that her black side is too much for you to handle.

Did I listen? No! I am an independent thinker, no matter what I am told. I will sit down and evaluate. She had done no harm to me. We were not even dating, but someone was already advising that I should be careful and tread carefully.

Hear me out, dear readers: I was not in a relationship, nor was I in a situationship (per the saying of late), but I was trying to get to know someone. Build a rapport. Possibly, we shared so much more in common, and we equally shared less in common. To me, that is how I want it. Having checks and balances in a relationship. So, here were the differences we had:

I am naturally a structured person, and extremely particular about details. Very meticulous and tidy. Whereas she was the exact opposite: unstructured, disorganised and untidy. To me, that is a balance and a check. It ticks my box. On the other hand, she loved talking, especially calling. I abhor all of those. I love silence, and I am comfortable in it. It gives me so much peace and clarity. She loved pop music; I loved the classics. I would not mind listening to Mozart or Handel in the morning just to feel the peace. Above all, she had an angelic voice. Possibly, it was one of the many things that made me lose my guard.

My dear readers, reading this, I was ready to propose, honestly. For the very first time, Zziwa, the only son of my mother, was going to tell you all that he had decided to leave his singlehood and join the union. However, again, my father's voice was still ringing in my head. My father often tells me, " Test a woman; get to know her background before deciding to settle down. Also, he often added, ask for a picture of her mother; if you find the mother okay. Just know that when she ages, you will still look at her the same way.

I will only concentrate on "what kills people". This is what was going to kill me. I expected much from an individual; I personally did not interact with her several times, eye-to-eye or physically. I judged her positively by her Christian background and her family--simply how I saw her, the mental picture.

I thought, maybe if she comes from such a family, she is okay. I let my guard down for the very first time. I was always happy. People could tell; my shoulders were calmer, and my face could smile. Colleagues, I want to strongly state that I don't show emotions. I am that practical individual who will get out of my comfort zone to assist you in a crisis, walk to hell and bring you the head of Lucifer if you request it. I am a loyal person, in general.

However, this is what was going to kill me. I expected so much from a Kampala woman. There is a legend in Kampala that often says that if a girl reaches a certain age and no one is talking to her, or she is still single. Ask yourself why; I did not ask myself why. I am not an ageist, and I don't believe in marginalising people. Love can find you at 18, and you divorce at 19. It can find you at 29, and you live with such an individual for all your life.

So, back to the issue, guys, I pressed on, but I decided to add some breathing room. To pause and reflect. I wanted to make a decision that would be befitting for me, and also for her—even for the rest of my family. Although all that setback and the roaming red flags, I was ready to introduce her to my relatives. I had set a date; I was planning; I wanted to surprise her; then the bombshells began. Revelations after revelations. I sat down and sank in anguish and wondered what my epitaph would have been if I had a heart attack after such damning information. Possibly they would write:

"Children, here lies a young man. The only thing he ever knew was to die prematurely."

Maybe this:

"The cause of his death was playing with fire. He got burned."

Maybe a didactic one:

"Men, never love blindly until a woman tells you she loves you and she wants to begin a life with you. Without any of that, tread carefully; you are only filling a void."

After all those revelations, I spent two days, 48 hours, without sleep looking into the sky, wondering how I came to fault God so much that I was ready to ruin myself and my integrity. That I was ready to love truly. That the poor communication was simply a girl's trick to press on. God, how I wish this was true. I now understand why many legends kept on running away from love, but I was running into it directly. Ready to be struck by Cupid. Feel the sweetness and bitterness. I am naturally strong-willed as an individual, but I broke down and felt extremely dizzy, to the extent that I had to vomit. I was disgusted! Yeah, I am judging. Hahaha!

Many things can kill people. However, when a physician examines you in the hospital, from time to time, they check your blood pressure to understand how elevated it is. Either to begin managing it with medication or advise you to change your lifestyle. For instance, if what brings your pressure up is stress, you are advised to slow down. Here, they are treating the signs and symptoms but not the cause.

What causes elevated pressure amongst young men lately?

To begin with, it is the unnecessary comparisons. During my 48-hour wake. I found many insomniacs, and we talked so much. Many fall into the category of comparison. My friends are marrying, have better jobs, have cars. I have nothing to my name. Nothing! The other insomniacs were dealing with heart issues, broken hearts. Those were easy to bond with since I was comparing notes and trying to find meaning in myself and life. Whether Love is Stupid or I was. Dear reader, it is both.

My death was going to come unknowingly, expecting Love that would never be returned. If at all it was returned, what might have killed me would have been the confessions. As Otieno narrates in his "Steer Pressure", he believes that cars, whether used or new, are hard to understand, but there are certain cars that are important to watch from afar, and he argued for over 10 pages that a car that is always driven to church is the most deadly. There is a big possibility it is looking for redemption; however, as you try to become a pillow, the owner(s) of the car will reclaim it with proof that, indeed, this car was stolen from them and must be returned. I will not explain.

Dear reader, I am sorry; I am about to leave you in suspense. I am half dead, and my vision is still blurry. My heart skips a little.