Come this new year, and why they keep laughing at us
A Satirical–Existential Discourse Observed from Nowhere
10 Jan, 2026
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Why Are They in Jubilation?” — “I Told You, They Are Not Intelligent.”
Picture this.
Two aliens hover above Earth—nowhere sacred, nowhere damned, just altitude. Somewhere between Jupiter’s mood swings and humanity’s Wi-Fi signals, they watch a familiar spectacle unfold below.
The planet is exploding.
Fireworks tear the sky open. Music shakes concrete. Bottles pop. Strangers embrace. Sirens, confetti, tears, promises—numbers are screamed into the night as if time itself might flinch.
“Five… four… three… two… ONEEEE!”
Chaos crowned as ceremony.
One alien leans forward, adjusting his optic lens. His tone is clinical, genuinely curious.
Alien One:
“Why are they in jubilation?”
The other alien scrolls through Earth’s broadcast frequencies—news feeds, social media vows, motivational slogans recycled for the hundredth time. He sighs, almost apologetically.
Alien Two:
“They are celebrating because their planet has completed 365 days around its orbit.”
A pause.
Fireworks bloom again. Someone kisses the wrong person. Someone cries for reasons they will not remember by morning. Someone promises that this year—this time—will be different.
Alien One:
“…Around its orbit?”
Alien Two:
“Yes. One full revolution around their star.”
Alien One:
“You mean the same orbit it makes every time?”
Alien Two:
“The very same.”
Alien One:
“The orbit governed by gravity, not effort?”
Alien Two:
“Precisely.”
Alien One:
“The one that would occur whether they improved, regressed, slept, fought, or argued online?”
Alien Two:
“Entirely inevitable.”
Below them, humans chant: “New year! New me!”
A man who lied yesterday promises truth tomorrow.
A system that failed last year is toasted again.
Someone checks their bank balance in fear. Someone vomits hope behind a nightclub.
Another firework erupts—brilliant, loud, and gone.
Alien One leans back slowly, disbelief sharpening into clarity.
“So let me understand this.
They did nothing to cause it.
They could do nothing to stop it.
It would have happened whether they were drunk, asleep, or pretending to be wise.”
Alien Two:
“Correct.”
A long, universe-sized silence.
Then Alien One, quietly, decisively:
“I told you… They are not intelligent.”
Alien Two does not disagree. He refines the thought.
“They celebrate motion without progress.
Time without wisdom.
Survival without reflection.”
Below them, Earth roars with confidence. Above it, the cosmos remains unimpressed.
Alien One:
“Do they at least celebrate having learned something?”
Alien Two:
“No. They celebrate forgetting the last 365 mistakes.”
A firework spells 2026 in burning light—grand, fleeting, meaningless.
Alien One, almost philosophical now:
“They reset numbers… and call it hope.”
Alien Two:
“They confuse endurance with achievement.”
They watch as humans toast to fresh starts while carrying the same habits, the same debts, the same unresolved pain into the next orbit.
Alien One:
“So every year they change the calendar and pretend reality rebooted?”
Alien Two:
“Yes. Hope—very touching. Completely inefficient.”
Engines hum softly.
Alien One, with faint amusement:
“Fascinating species.
They don’t celebrate enlightenment…
They celebrate endurance.”
Alien Two, turning the ship away:
“Come. Let’s leave before they invent another holiday for breathing.”
The ship drifts into darkness.
Earth keeps spinning—obedient, ancient, indifferent—not because it is celebrated, but because it must. Already committed to its next orbit.
And somewhere below, amid the noise and smoke, a human looks at the sky and whispers:
“This year will be my year.”
The universe does not respond.
Not out of cruelty.
But out of honesty.
