Indulging in the talk of the town, that a man's blessing is from the works of his own hands; that a man must not forget he's a man after all; that a man must not be effeminate in circumstances that require bravery; such is the crucible of surviving that a man must endure to make ends meet, or die trying. After all, eulogies will be written that he was a good man, intelligent, with potential unlived.

While reading The Polygamist by Sue Nyathi yesterday, Matipa, one of Jonasi’s wives, in an internal monologue about the potential of a man of her age and settling down as a second wife, argues that she wouldn't suffocate her mascara to build a man of potential if there were no assurance that such a man would meet success.

She states that building a man is exhausting, and it is a 50/50 chance he will make it. Indeed, Matipa raises a very important point to acknowledge. Potential is born within all men, but a few live to achieve their full ability. Many die silently, away from society, and accept that nothing in life is worth living for.

I would comfortably say, true, life is all vanity. Sometimes, you wonder whether it is even worth the grain of effort to wake up and dream. For dreams are only for dreamers, and that is why we sleep to dream. For we, as men, all die with broken promises and unfinished business. Sometimes, you wish death could be kind and take the throbbing headache that you fail to share openly, the worries that keep us uptight in the dead of night, trying to find meaning.

I once asked a good friend of mine about the same issue of a man's potential. She has a wonderful husband. They built their lives from scratch. At one point, the husband lost his job, and they were surviving on the woman's job until he finished his master's degree—then started getting good gigs, and finally built their home.

Now the man travels all over the world, and the woman looked peaceful whenever she described him. What I could see was a proud woman, a woman who built her man and stayed forthright with him until they achieved all that. I asked her why she stuck with the same man when he lost his job, and she openly said that she saw potential and a bright future in him.

I made a follow-up question: ‘Did you see it within you, or did you feel that he could make it?’ She boldly told me she just followed her heart and prayed it all worked out well. In the end, he made it, and they even invited me to their wedding in November. Their story seeks to address one important factor: the potential of a man and who stands beside him.

For a man to survive, it goes beyond hard work. I have seen various men for whom life is still unfair, despite all their hard work. And they are always angry and sad. For a man to survive and realise his potential, there must be a woman standing and ready to build with him slowly and patiently. Also, to survive as a man, you must be ready to understand that sometimes life will be unfair and you must not give in.

On 4 October, 2026, I had an intense debate with a married good friend of mine, who possibly is the only person in my circle who openly preaches about polygamy. Replying to my blog “What Kills People?”, he said, “God is Love, and Man is God, not a Woman.”

Colleagues, I have often argued that, to me, "God is a Woman" and written about three blogs in such a line, defending a woman and her power over a man—a woman creates life and nurtures it to prosperity.

Although it is tricky to conclude that man is God or woman is God, my polygamous friend states that God is equated to man because he expects less from us. God only wants you to respect your neighbour, love and protect them—same as man—he only expects sex, loyalty, food and respect. Nothing more or less. That is his entire idea of God being a man. He further argues that a woman is naturally a selfish creature; she only thinks about her own well-being, not others'; she is fine walking away from a long-term relationship she has been in as long as she feels like the feelings have died already. A woman moves on as if nothing happened. On that, I agreed with him. A woman is naturally an impatient creature. They have no time, as constructed by society. They feel like if certain things are not done immediately, they lose their credibility.

So, a woman basically will not wait for your potential and will care less about your survival. She will be fine settling in with another man, as a second or third mistress, as long as her needs are met. If she is comfortable, nothing else matters. Such is life anyway.

To dig further into survival, everything of burden rotates around man. A man bears all the burden and then dies silently with his thoughts, because no one listens to him. Perhaps that is where society is failing as a people. The cross of potential has led many young people to their quick deaths—premature mortality; the number of young men on polypharmacy is alarming. A young man is already on anti-hypertension drugs as early as 25 years; another is suffering from complex PTSD because of many responsibilities he is unready for.

During my insomnia, I asked a friend why he was not sleeping. He openly told me, “My parents are pushing me to have a wife; they even set an ultimatum for me.” I asked him whether he was ready. He said he only wanted comfort and to be with someone. He failed to answer my question. I jokingly told him, “We have many comfort women at New Best Hotel Busega; always think about it and go there to relax and ease the nerves.” He brushed it off and continued with his narrative about how everyone expects a lot from him. I told him that sometimes one needs to learn to say "no" and try to stay alive. I went further to inform him that finding a suitable woman is quite hard lately. Women are complex people, and you might get yourself hurt in the process. He is trying to survive, but at what cost?

As we try to navigate safe places or spaces for people, I think we should now openly begin a conversation on how to save men out there. There is a silent pandemic killing young people. No support system, because the system is designed to kill a man before his time. A system so complex that people will not be ready to help but to distance themselves from such "insanity" and quietly wait for the demise of such young potential and type the regular "RIP" and continue with their lives.

Men have the most successful suicides out there. Drugs and alcohol have become the solace of men. That having a clearer mind is dangerous. That you need to be tipsy to embrace the world with all its demons. That is how far we have come to this "Of Men and the Crucible of Surviving".

Dear man, don't survive. Learn to live and appreciate life, even the little strides. For life is good, and we are only here briefly. So, you must as well enjoy your life. Do what you have always wanted.